They say the first impression is what people judge you by. It's not just what you are wearing and whether you are good looking. There is something else. It's about that sense we have, or feeling about how we connect or do not connect with others.
Which are you?
“Stop looking good and ski free, ski for you”. I was in France and working as a ski instructor. I was so focused on technique and being perfect. Skis together, holding my poles correctly, in control going through the bumps down a steep slope. I felt that I would be judged for the slightest error and as a result my skiing didn’t feel relaxed, even when I wasn’t teaching, because looking good was more important. I didn’t realise at the time that comment would have so many other implications for my life. A few years later, while training to become a facilitator, my trainer said almost the same thing. I knew what he meant and I stopped being concerned what other people thought of me. The real me showed up as I realised I could never be like anyone else.
In business one of the buzzwords is ‘authenticity’ – the authentic you – just what does that mean? There may be people you have admired and seen as role models of how you want to be recognised, yet somehow it didn’t feel comfortable. Perhaps you stepped into someone’s shoes; someone who was highly respected and admired as a leader and you wondered how you could be like them. You never can be or should try to be like anyone else.
Leaders connect with others when they are connected with self. They are deeply aware of who they are, and most importantly they are insightful. They are confident that they will be able to make the right choices and decisions and they are not afraid of not having all the answers. They are also willing to be vulnerable and handle their mistakes. In other words they are not perfect.
The Power of Thought
Never under estimate how you may influence others – whether it be as a leader, consultant, coach, parent or perhaps your role in your community. A group of senior sales managers told me that one important thing they wanted from their leadership retreat with me was to be a team. They were dysfunctional by their own admission. Their previous manager had set them up in competition with each other, finding faults and pointing them out to the other managers. He may have been thinking this would be helpful so the others did not make the same mistakes. He managed by fear and as a result it is no surprise that this is just what he passed on to his sales managers. They became divisive, which did not serve the business, as between them, they influenced over two hundred people including their direct reports who were also managers and team leaders.
Focus on Self, not on others
The retreat wasn’t about team building. It was about deepening their self-awareness and understanding as to how their thinking about anything and everything had the potential to either grow and develop their relationships with their teams and each other, or to have them operating from feeling insecure and fearing failure. They thought the retreat would be one where they were given a new list of things to do, new tools for their tool boxes and yet another process to manage performance, all of which would have just added to their burden. Once they saw how their thinking works, regardless of their individual personalities, experience, and intellect, insights were occurring for each of them. Those a’ha moments were personal. They had started to listen, not to me or their intellect, but their own innate wisdom. They listened to what felt right for them, which was quite different from listening to their intellectual, rational thinking.
Before and After
Prior to the retreat the managers had often been judgemental about each other, and their own people and everything felt like hard work. It felt ‘Effortful’. By the end of the retreat they felt they were equipped to handle whatever lay ahead for them and to be okay with the unknown. They also recognised it is a journey to become a leader as well as a team. They may make mistakes, and so by being collaborative and supportive of each other, whatever the challenges, they will have the ability to find solutions.
Be Real, Be You
I had the privilege to train with some outstanding instructors and trainers and no one was the same. It is similar in the world of being a leader too. Mentors and coaches can only guide you, but if it doesn’t feel right the message is confusing. We cannot put words into others mouths. You need to find yours and ask the right questions, which comes with a clear mind, so that others discover what’s right for them. People see through the ‘looking good’. When people are being real there is connection between self and others, and it feels ‘Effortless’.
“No bird soars too high, if he soars on his own wings” — William Blake